First off if you haven't seen Chris D'Elia - Drunk Girls stand up routine, Stop your life and go watch it! Why you ask? because that is my life, not just when I'm drunk but all the time. It will help you appreciate the humour you're about you encounter. If you don't think it's funny, either you've never been drunk or you're just not my kind of person so STOP, just stop reading now and go.
From the keyboard of a wildly independent woman to your screen, I present: Tequila Mocking Bird. So witty I know, thank-you for the awkward solo applause from your living room. Today is a mocking bird day, easy on the tequila. I might like horses a little, not to much or anything just like someone likes there dog except my horse, she runs my life. Dogs are easy pets, cats are even easier they just come inside and snuggle with you and eat out of little cans. Horses; not the case you must go to them, there food weights a ton, literally a TON! My dinky little pick-up just sacked right out carrying hay the other day!
There was this giant leaning tower of 1500lbs of hay just waiting for good ditch to corner ratio to tumble out on like a bunch of mexicans rolling out of a panel van at the border. "Pedro, the lean is good, check the ditch! check it!" "Sorry boss no ditch, if we go now we'll just blow apart on the pavement."
In order to save my horses dinner I bought a ratchet strap, wise investment for a single woman who's never driven in snow and is expecting to hit the ditch a time or two before year end. Turns out really handy for holding in mexican hay bales as well, if my parents had thought to teach me how to thread one instead of a sewing machine maybe? Like really, when will I ever sew my own clothes? I think they had secretly hoped I would find a Hudderite colony and live happily ever after with my sister wives or something. WHO on earth needs to know how to sew before they need to know how to tie down a heavy load! Lets weight the consequences of not tying down a load vs. not sewing. Umm no brainer. I have no children but here is my parenting advice: Teach your children shit they will use!
Youtube, well ain't that a handy little collection of how-to tutorials, yeah if only it was that easy in real life. After an hour of sitting in the hardware store parking lot having a meltdown about this because I was Hangry (If you don't know this term... just look at it for a second. If you can't figure it out, Fuck off) as a homeless pregnant woman. I just drove home, without the strap, without eating and managed to make it, without any border hoppers. Thank god, honestly all the bales are bound together so really, what would have happened would be more like a small skyscraper vs. TNT... slowly tumbling to the ground with a giant mess all over the road, including the scraps of my truck which would have flipped and gone skidding across he road into some swamp. SO lesson learnt here parents: RATCHET STRAPS ARE A MUST TEACH ITEM OF PARENTING A USEFUL HUMAN BEING!
